“Before you fall in love, make sure there is someone there to catch you.” – Anonymous
The most common types of questions boil down to amateur detective work on why a guy didn’t do what the girl wanted him to do. The questions take on different forms, but ultimately the pattern is this: A girl likes a guy... he shows some kind of signal that he might like her... a courtship of sorts ensues and things seem to be going great, but then... he starts to withdraw. As soon as this happens, the poor girl becomes overwhelmed with self-doubt and confusion about the guy and might start chasing him and hunting him down to get some answers...which causes him to withdraw even further.
The ultimate question comes down to this: "I thought he liked me,
what happened?"
We get flooded with e-mails about how some guy didn’t text back or didn’t call or didn’t set his Facebook status to say “In a relationship.” The majority of these issues could be resolved by doing one simple thing: backing off. When you take a few steps backward, it gives him the space to move a few steps forward and put forth a little more effort to win you over. Keep going and you’ll see what we mean.
WHY DIDN’T HE TEXT BACK?
Using a guy’s text message habits as a litmus test for your relationship status seems to be the norm these days (even though it’s completely and utterly arbitrary, but we’ll get to that later).If a guy doesn’t text a girl back it’s usually for one of the following
reasons:
1. He’s not that into her
2. He’s busy
3. She’s being needy and he doesn’t want to deal with it
4. He didn’t have his phone nearby
5. He’s hanging out with another girl
First and foremost, do not try to fix the behavior with why didn’t yous (Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you tell me you might be late?
Why didn’t you text back sooner?), nothing along those lines! You might think you’re drawing a line in the sand, but he sees it as something else entirely: neediness.
Here are a few tips to help you keep a clear head and an objective perspective if you find yourself in this sort of situation:
Examine the Circumstance
We live in an ADD culture and when a guy doesn’t text back immediately, it’s most likely because he’s busy. Guys tend to be single-minded in what they’re doing and tend to focus on meeting one objective at a time. If a guy is busy, the last thing he wants is to be interrupted over and over again with text messages and the burden of having to respond right away. Usually, what started out as something innocent (him being busy) turns into unnecessary drama (you overreacting and seeing it as a sign that the relationship is in trouble).
Before you get all riled up about his texting habits and what it means, examine the circumstances. If he disappears when you're in the middle of making plans and things start to get complicated (you say you’re busy this day, he’s busy on that day, you’re free after eight, he can only do before seven), then he probably got distractedsomewhere along the way and is directing his attention elsewhere. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see you; he was probably in the middle of something else and planned on getting back to you when he could focus and didn’t feel the need to text further at that exact moment since you guys were going around in circles anyway.
He may also go silent if you’re having one of those texting-but-not- talking-about-anything conversations (How are you?...Good, you?...Good, work is stressing me out...Same, today has been non-stop...Same here...). Guys are very goal-oriented and oftentimesthey’ll just get distracted and not feel the need to text further unless it’s for a specific purpose. Men are not women, shocking right? While most women can effectively juggle a minimum of five things at a time, men have enough trouble focusing on one thing at a time. Just because texting while you’re in the middle of a million other things comes easily to you doesn’t mean it’s the same for him. Women are naturally good at multi-tasking; most men are not. Remember this and cut him some slack when he takes longer than you would to respond.
We can never really know what’s going on in someone else’s head. When it comes to this whole texting issue (and by the way, most guys have no idea how crazy this whole texting/calling regularly thing is for girls, none!), trying to get to the why is an exercise in futility. A much more effective use of your time is to focus on how you react to the situation.
The Best Reaction Is No Reaction When you stop reacting to things automatically, you gain awareness
of the situation. You will stop getting lost in emotions that don’t help you and will gain a clearer perspective on the best way to respond (if the situation even warrants a response). When you are unreactive,
you get to choose the best move. When you are able to see thingsfrom a more objective standpoint, you’ll realize that him not texting you back promptly isn’t that big of a deal.
Rather than getting consumed with fury when he takes a while to respond, just shift your focus and do something else. And whatever you do, don’t wait on him. People tend to see how much they can get away with. If you’re always available to a guy, he’ll treat you like an option rather than a priority. If you are selectively available and only act as accommodating as he is to you, you will get the respect and “good behavior” you’re looking for. This isn’t just a guy thing, it’s a human thing – we value only what
we have to work for. Or, put differently, we value the things that aren’t guaranteed or freely available to us unless we earn them. When trying to figure out the appropriate response to certain situations, it’s helpful to think about the way you interact with your friends. If you text one of your friends asking what she’s up to that night and don’t hear back from her for a few hours, do you go into panic mode and assume she no longer cares about you? Do you analyze the last text you sent her, searching for hidden clues to tell you what you did wrong? Do you feel angry and throw your hands up with an exasperated I just don’t get it!? Probably not. Chances are you don’t even notice how long she takes to answer your text. And if you do, you probably assume she’s busy or doesn’t have her phone handy. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if you could respond in the same calm and collected manner when a guy you like takes a while to text back? Well then there you go! The choice is up to you.
Remember, this doesn’t make you a pushover or a doormat. It makes you a confident woman who doesn’t need a guy to text her every five minutes in order to know he really cares about her.Assume He Likes You
If you assume he likes you, you remove the fear and the anxiety that stems from this whole “why didn’t he text me back?” conundrum. He likes you. You know he does (or at least, you’re doing a good job convincing yourself he does!), so what is there to worry about?
People who assume other people like them are more likable. The same is true for people who assume others don’t like them: if you believe you are unlikable, people will be more likely to dislike you. Sure, it may seem a little delusional to force yourself into believing the other person feels the way you want them to feel, but the truth is that we do it all the time anyway. The trouble is most people automatically assume the worst and look for signs that point to the outcome they don’t want. If you’re going to make any assumptions, you may as well go with the one that serves you instead of one that
guarantees failure.
Be Complete
One of the best things you can do is make sure that you have a full and enjoyable life. When your life is meaningful and full of friends, fun, and fulfillment, you won’t fall into the trap of obsessing when that
next text is going to come or if he called or not; you’ll be too busy enjoying the rest of your life. If you are smothering a guy with needing him to reassure you and text you back constantly, you will drive him away. The right move in this situation is to back off, keep your life filled with fun and exciting options, and give him space to put in the effort and pursue you. This
isn’t being manipulative – guys actually like to pursue women (to a point) and they appreciate having the space to do so.What It Looks Like
Marissa and Luke had been seeing each other for a few months and while things were going well, Marissa was growing increasingly frustrated by Luke’s texting habits.
Luke would often go MIA when they were in the middle of making plans and while she often accommodated his flakiness, she was getting sick of telling her friends, “Oh, I can’t commit to anything this weekend because I might have plans with Luke, still waiting to hear back...” She called him out on it a few times and while he would apologize for “leaving her hanging,” the problem persisted.
Luke was simply a bad texter, some people are just born that way. He didn’t mean to do it; he wasn’t intentionally trying to piss her off; he just didn’t have any sort of substantial motivation to change this ingrained behavior. By waiting around for him to respond and being so accommodating to his schedule, Marissa was perpetuating the very problem she was so steadfastly fighting against.
Eventually, Marissa decided enough was enough. One week she made tentative plans with Luke to do something that coming Saturday. True to form, he didn’t finalize anything and simply stopped texting after they decided “maybe we’ll do something on Saturday.”
Marissa knew if she pressed him to make a definite plan he would just give her vague answers (“I may have to work, I’ll let you know,” “My friend might be coming to town, not sure yet, I’ll keep you posted”), so when he didn’t lock down something by the end of the week, she made other plans. That Saturday, Luke texted her at around 5 p.m. asking what time they were meeting and was stunned when she said she couldn’t see him because she made plans with her girlfriends.
“What do you mean you have other plans? We were supposed to do something tonight.”“Well you said you might be free, but we never decided on anything concrete, so I assumed it was a no go. So sorry for the mix up, have a fun night!”
Luke stayed home that night twiddling his thumbs and torturing himself with thoughts of how many guys were hitting on his girl at that exact moment. From then on, he never left her hanging and was sure
to make definite plans in advance. When He Goes from Texting A Lot...to Nothing
There are some situations where a guy is a horrible texter from the start (like Luke), and other cases where his texting habits slowly disintegrate over time. In the beginning, he’s a texting machine. After a month or two, not so much. He’ll text here and there, but nowhere near his texting glory days.
The problem is not that you are doing something inherently wrong to cause him to text less frequently. The problem is that it’s not sustainable. Texting constantly is—to put it bluntly—a pain in the rear
for most guys. In the beginning of a relationship, it’s natural for the guy to try to win you over and to do whatever he can to keep your attention on him. And what better way to insert himself into your mind than by texting you throughout the day? Once things are a bit more established, he may not feel the need to do this anymore. Also, it’s not a realistic, sustainable habit to be constantly texting little
messages all day. Guys, lovable as they can be, usually like to use the phone to make a plan and that’s it. They don’t like chitchat if it’s not towards a purpose; it’s just not how they’re wired. A big mistake many women make is assuming the guy no longer
feels as strongly for her because he texts less frequently. Texting isn’ta barometer for the relationship. The time you spend together, and how meaningful and enjoyable it is, counts much more than the
amount of time that has elapsed since his last text. Instead of counting the texts and analyzing the emoticons, put your focus on creating a life that is fulfilling outside of the relationship and a connection that is meaningful within the relationship.
WHY DID HE VANISH?
Now this is a frustrating situation if ever there was one. You’re seeing a guy, you think things are rolling right along splendidly, and then suddenly he’s gone, vanished without a trace. You consider for a
moment if he might be dead or in a coma, but you notice there has been activity on his Facebook page, so that’s not it. He has just suddenly and abruptly decided he no longer wants to see you and you’re left trying to figure out why. At the end of the day, you don’t know why and there is no way you’ll be able to know for sure. And frankly, it would be a waste of time to try and play detective. There’s no benefit to putting yourself through that agony.
It really doesn’t matter why he vanished or what, if anything, broke the camel’s back. The bigger issue here is your emotional state. You’re confused, you’re worried, you’re upset. You’re racking your brain trying to pinpoint the moment it all went wrong. You examine all the possibilities. Is it something I said? Something I did? Something I didn’t do? These emotions are all understandable when someone you care about disappears.
The Most Likely Reason...
While every situation is different, these disappearing acts usually occur because the guy feels trapped or freaked out by the
relationship and finds it easier to just remove himself entirely insteadof looking you in the face and telling you why he doesn’t want to be
with you (does anyone, guy or girl, ever really want to have that conversation? Yes it’s the more dignified approach, but it’s also the more torturous!). This sort of thing doesn’t usually boil down to one particular thing you said or did. It’s probably rooted in an overall vibe that you’re conveying, and that vibe would be none other than our dear friend neediness. If you are absolutely positive that you did not send out any “needy” signals and you were as cool and confident as can be, then he probably has a wife and kids somewhere, or maybe he did lapse into a coma. It’s always one of those three. Guys aren’t anti-relationship. A guy will happily hop into a relationship with a woman who brings out the best in him and makes him feel great about who he is and what he has to offer. If you communicate, even in the slightest way, that a relationship with him is going to be some kind of life preserver or crutch for your emotional stability, he will definitely not want to pursue a relationship with you.
His reasoning will most likely be that he’s got enough problems of his own to deal with and the last thing he needs is to take on someone else’s. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and focus on becoming the best version of you. Be the kind of girl that no man would ever dream of leaving without an explanation, or leaving period.
When a Guy Vanishes After a Great First Date While not quite as tormenting as when a guy you’ve been seeing pulls a vanishing act, a guy disappearing after an amazing first date is equally puzzling and can do a number on your self-esteem. There are a few possible reasons why a guy might fade into the abyss after a seemingly wonderful first date. Either he wasn’t that intoyou and was just being polite throughout the date, was primarily trying to get laid and decided not to push it any further when you
didn’t put out that night, or he didn’t think you were that into him. Possibility #1: He’s not that into you
For whatever reason, he may just not be into you. Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there, it happens. There is also a possibility that you came across as alarmingly eager. Interest and enthusiasm are not the same as over-eagerness. If he feels that you’re unjustifiably eager, he may want to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.
On a first date, a guy can usually piece together whether dating you is going to be more of a liability than a good thing for him. He asks about yourself, he gets a sense of how much you enjoy your life
and what you do to fill your time. If you pretty much don’t enjoy anything (you don’t really like your friends anymore, you don’t like your job, you don’t like your lifestyle), then he is most likely going to
avoid dating you because he doesn’t want to be the guy who has to perk you up. On the other end of the spectrum, talking endlessly about how great your life is reeks of the same emotional baggage. Bragging
conveys that you have something to prove and that you’re trying to impress him. You don’t have to tell him about how many guys hit on you when you go out, or how your ex is still so obsessed with you, or
how you are the most important person at your job, or how you have the coolest life anyone can imagine. If you carry yourself with confidence, he will assume these things all on his own and then he
will be the one trying to win you over.
When you make a strong case for your awesomeness, all he’ll see is your insecurities and no guy wants to deal with that. Next time you find yourself asserting your “greatness,” take a step back and remember this phrase: A rich man doesn’t need to tell you he’s rich.
